There’s nothing quite like certainty to motivate us.
For me, the certainty of a swim date is all it took to go from low to high, in terms of mood, determination, & training.
For the last 3 years, I’ve been actively chasing a date. With the lockdown causing a backlog, the number of swimmers far exceeded available slots, & so the backlog, & potential wait, went up.
Cancellations are common. People start with great dreams, but the reality becomes something that puts many off, along with the complications of life. For me, the promise to myself is far greater motivation to not give up, as I’d have to live with letting myself down, proving that my word to be worthless, & changing the habit of a lifetime of never ever breaking a promise.
Holding myself accountable on a promise I cannot break suddenly takes away all sense of doubt. It will happen.
In mid 2021, I was speaking with someone I swam with regularly, who was also training for the channel. He told me that he wasn’t going to able to make his slot, due to an injury. With an over-enthusiastic lack of sensitivity, I asked him – if he was alright with it & really couldn’t make it – if I could possibly take on his slot, since he wasn’t going to use that one.
He said “yes, sure”. I even re-affirmed it again with him, before he drove off. The prospect of having his date filled me with excitement, from the certainty that this brought to my long awaited challenge.
So off the back of this, knowing it would not happen for him, I contacted the pilot boat captain with whom we were both regularly in communication. We arranged the process, so that if the slot was relinquished that we could simply perform a name change, with me re-embursing his deposit, so no-one would lose out financially.
Suddenly, I’d be able to swim the channel in September 2022, & had a great date to train for. I sent him through a message, briefly re-affirming our discussion, & advised him of hte process the pilot boat captain and I had discussed, allowing me to utilise his slot, re-embursing him for his deposit, & allowing him to postpone to a future date when his injury was addressed. It all felt very real. Within an instant, the dream of 20 years seemed within grasp, and I was riding on a wave of euphoria. Nothing could drag me down. Or so I thought.
I sent him several messages, explaining what we each needed to do, again re-confirming ‘if he didn’t mind’, but didn’t get a reply. A few months went past. Seeing him in person one morning, I felt relieved. I walked up, asked him how he was, & received a barrage of abuse, accusing me of, in essence, trying to steal his slot, before he had officially made the decision to cancel, despite him being clear with me about his plans 2-3 months before, me making it clear it was if he didn’t object, & making it clear what I would do, especially since we both knew how hard I had been trying to get a slot for the previous 2 years.
I was taken back. After the high, came the great low, hitting me like a truck, & all motivation to swim was instantly lost. For days, I felt deeply hurt by the unjustified accusation that I would try to ‘take his slot behind his back’, ignoring the complete transparency in both the open & frank conversation, and the many supporting messages I had sent. At that moment, my world came crashing down. My values of transparency & openness challenged, which I hold dear, especially given my long track history of abuse within an abusive marriage (leading to me helping co-found a charitable organisation https://RespectFor.Me). Also my crossing date disappeared. I was not only back to square one, I felt I had nothing to train for. Completely worn out emotionally from such a massive pendulum swing, from high to low, it felt similar to that of the narcissistic abuse I had previously escaped.
At that moment, I had one strong overriding thought; “if I never swam again, it would be too soon”. With all dates evapourated, my motivation to train disappeared. Simply put, it seemed pointless. Being accused of taking advantage of someone else cut me deep, leaving me with no motivation to visit the lake for the next few weeks.
As time passed, I tried calling up a few times to get a new crossing date, but never got one. Almost another year had passed, with no target to aim for. I felt like I was drifting, lost.
On July 17th 2022, I thought I’d try calling the Pilot boat captain one last time. Knowing it was the last time, I phone up & reminded him about me trying to get a date for over 2.5 years, sending countless messages, emails, texts, phonecalls. I asked what would it take to get a date in the diary now. Without success so far, I’d mentally resigned myself to the fact that I’d have to try a completely diferent pilot boat, & join a long waiting list of up to 4 years from another pilot boat. Feeling nothing to lose, I was perhaps more firm than usual, almost resigned to the fact that it wouldn’t lead to a date. This final phone-call, was as much for closure for myself, trying to find out why I had not ever hear back, despite countless phonecalls, emails, FB messages, Whatsapps, texts, & more.
He asked me about my speed. “I’m slow, but steady. 100m in 2 minutes. And I can swim at the same pace endlessly” I said. “That’s too slow”, he replied. “You need to be quicker” he added.
As he was driving when I called, he then said he’d call back within an hour, so we could put something in the diary. Partly sceptical, given the communication track record to date, I ended the call. It had been a painful journey to get a date, with the only date I’d ever manaed being snatched away from me.
An hour later, the phone rang. He called back, and I was given a date for 2024. It was real. It was a date that no-one could take from me. Before the call ended, it was in the calendar.
“The training starts now”, he said.